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Crippled Families

Introduction

What Some of Our Family-Related Problems Are

How We Are Being Hindered Individually

How We Are Being Hindered Congregationally

The Single Thing That Would Help Our Families Most

Conclusion

1. "He who troubles his own house will inherit the wind" (Prov. 11:29).
   
   
   1. A good deal of the pain in our culture is the consequence of relational breakdown in the family.
      
      
   2. How many different problems in American society could you list that are related to the family?
      
      
   3. There are so many that even a partial list is very disturbing.
      
      
2. We hear a good deal nowadays about "dysfunctional" families. What are these?
   
   
   1. A dysfunction is a "disordered or impaired functioning of a bodily system or organ" (American Heritage Dictionary).
      
      
   2. Comparing the family to a human body, we can say that a dysfunctional family has one or more systems that are not working right: the family is impaired, crippled, or handicapped by one or more problems that keep it from functioning as it was intended to function and providing the benefits it was intended to provide to its members.
      
      
3. "Crippled families" are not just those that are completely dysfunctional; they are those that have even a single system that is impaired.

   It is rare today to find a family -- even among the Lord's people -- that does not have serious problems in at least one area. A normal family is almost an oddity, a curiosity.

4. What does it say about the times in which we live that when we encounter an "ordinary" family (one that is simply functioning as families were meant to function) the experience is so refreshing to us?
   
   
5. Family problems, of course, are problems in and of themselves; they very frequently involve things that are inherently sinful, and these sins involve a great deal of suffering.
   
   
6. But this is not a study of family problems in general. We want to look at the crippling of our families as a tactic the devil is using to undermine the cause of the Lord's kingdom.
   
   
7. Let's look at how various dysfunctions in our family relationships are hindering both our relationship with God and our work in the church.

What Some of Our
Family-Related Problems Are

1. In regard to the husband-wife relationship.
   
   
   1. The problem of marital infidelity.
      
      
      1. Is there any more heartbreaking problem among the Lord's people today than the frequency of sexual unfaithfulness to the marriage vow?

         Did we not mean what we said when we vowed to our mates that they could trust us?

      2. Do we not honor the covenant involved in marriage?
         1. "Who forsakes the companion of her youth, and forgets the covenant of her God" (Prov. 2:17).
         2. "And this is the second thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with good will from your hands. Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Mal. 2:13,14).
            
            
   2. The problem of divorce and remarriage.
      
      
      1. We have a host of problems related to the prevalence of divorce and remarriage itself.
         1. The prevalence of unlawful divorce cannot be anything but utterly repugnant to the God who instituted marriage.
         2. "'For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence,' says the Lord of hosts. 'Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously'" (Mal. 2:16).
      2. As if that were not enough, however, we have a number of problems related to divisiveness over scriptural teaching about divorce and remarriage.
      3. Consider just some of the characteristics of the divorce and remarriage problem.
         1. It is widespread. By now, almost every family and congregation has been touched by the pain of this issue in some way.
         2. It is complex.
            1. Some of the marriage problems people can get themselves tangled up in are hard to unravel.
            2. Some of the errors that are taught on divorce and remarriage are hard to decipher.
         3. It is controversial, divisive.
            1. This is an issue about which sincere brethren of much ability and influence have serious disagreements.
            2. Ill feelings and alienation threaten to become more common.
            3. Regional differences make the problem worse.
         4. It is difficult in regard to fellowship.
            1. What do we do when there is reason to believe that someone in the local congregation is involved in an unscriptural marriage?
            2. What do we do when we do not know whether someone who wishes to place membership is scripturally married?
            3. What do we do when members within the congregation disagree about fundamental aspects of the divorce and remarriage question?
            4. Do we use preachers for gospel meetings who take unscriptural positions on divorce and remarriage?
         5. It is difficult in regard to evangelism. What do we do when we find out someone we are studying the gospel with is unscripturally married?
         6. It is emotionally sensitive. This is not a problem that many people can discuss calmly and reasonably.
         7. It is serious. This is not a trivial matter about which one opinion is as good as another; this subject involves sin and salvation.
      4. All things considered, we are dealing here with a problem that has the makings of a disaster!

         If the devil were to try to think up the very worst kind of problem with which to trouble the Lord's people in our age, he would be hard put to devise one that packs a more powerful punch in more different ways than that of divorce and remarriage. Satan is crafty indeed.

   3. The problem of married Christians who would not divorce one another but who nevertheless have grown apart emotionally.
      
      
      1. There are too many actual divorces, certainly -- but for every one of those there are many more situations where couples still living in the same house have been emotionally separated for some time.
      2. So intimately are they to be related to one another, husbands and wives are said to be one flesh: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24).

         The lack of any real intimacy in so many marriages among the Lord's people is a problem of alarming proportions.

   4. The problem of a lack of commitment to the marriage relationship.
      
      
      1. It goes without saying that there is no longer a firm conviction in our society at large that marriage is for life.
      2. But even among Christians, unreserved commitment in marriage -- the kind that can stand up under stress and overcome difficulties -- is more and more rare.
      3. Concerning vows in general, Solomon said, "So when you talk to God and vow to him that you will do something, don't delay in doing it, for God has no pleasure in fools. Keep your promise to him. It is far better not to say you'll do something than to say you will and then not do it" (Eccl. 5:4,5 Taylor).
         
         
2. In regard to the parent-child relationship.
   
   
   1. Having lost confidence in our own ability to rear our children, we have turned ourselves over to supposed childrearing experts.
      
      
      1. We have allowed ourselves to be told by academicians sitting behind mahogany desks that childrearing is something far beyond the skill of ordinary folks.
      2. The truth is, childrearing is a quite ordinary, commonsense thing that generations of good parents have been doing for thousands of years -- since way before the experts got their graduate degrees.

         It is high time we regained our confidence in the accumulated wisdom of tradition -- the kind that has always been passed down from grandparents to parents -- and started believing that we do have what it takes to raise our children right.

   2. We have lost the true center of gravity of our families: the relationship between the father and mother.
      
      
      1. Many of our households have become child-centered rather than parent-centered.
      2. We are producing too many adults who have never learned to think beyond what they thought as infants: that the world revolves around them and their every wish.
      3. The basic orientation of the home is of children to their parents, and not vice versa. Cf. "My son, keep your father's command, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; when you sleep, they will keep you; and when you awake, they will speak with you" (Prov.6:20,21).
         
         
   3. Too few of us have implemented any definite plan for nurturing and teaching our children in all the areas we are responsible for.

      We should know that whether we have any strategy for our kids, the devil has some very definite plans for them!

      1. In too many cases, the financial planning we have done for ourselves is more specific than the spiritual planning we have done for our children.
      2. We are procrastinating and leaving far too much to chance.

How We Are Being Hindered
Individually

1. Home is the primary place where we are to "learn" the Bible. When the home is not what it ought to be, this learning cannot take place and disastrous consequences result.
   
   
   1. "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates" (Deut. 6:6-9).
      
      
   2. Whatever Bible instruction the local congregation may provide as a supplement, either for adults or children, this is no substitute for learning the text and the truths of the Bible in the home.
      
      
   3. It is parents, and especially fathers, who have the responsibility of teaching their children God's word.
      
      
      1. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6).
      2. "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).
         
         
   4. But more than being a place where the factual contents of the Bible are to be learned, the home is the ideal place for the truth of these contents to be experienced and learned in real-life situations and relationships.
      
      
      1. Home is where we most often pass beyond "knowing" the truths of the Bible theoretically to knowing they are true at the practical level. Cf. "When I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also" (2 Tim. 1:5).

         Home is where we most often learn "the truth of God's truths."

      2. Home is where the truths of God's word are not only taught, but modeled, illustrated, and brought to life. Cf. "But as for you, continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus" (2 Tim. 3:14,15).
         
         
   5. Bible study must not be superficially tacked on from time to time. When the Bible and its principles are not a real part of the everyday life of the family, we miss many of the valuable teaching and learning opportunities presented by the situations that arise daily. Cf. Deut. 6:6-9.
      
      
2. Our spirituality as individuals is being damaged in critical ways by our unhealthy family relationships, particularly the deficient husband-wife relationship that exists in so many of our households.
   
   
   1. There is more to be learned about the Lord and His will in the daily relationship between a husband and a wife than in any other experience in life.
      
      
      1. This is the most intimate relationship possible between human beings. When it is what God intended, there is greater spiritual help here and more to be learned about love, service, etc. than anywhere else in life.
      2. When this relationship is dysfunctional, however, there is nothing that any more greatly hinders our spiritual health and growth.
         1. Our very relationship to the Lord is eroded.
         2. "One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be an abomination" (Prov. 28:9).

            It is not just coincidence that the various family relationships are used so often in the Scriptures to illustrate spiritual realities.

   2. We are only fooling ourselves if we think we can fail to relate properly to one another in the family and still carry on a vibrant, healthy relationship with the Lord in a totally separate compartment of our life. The Lord will not have it.
      
      
      1. "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Mt. 5:23,24).
      2. "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Pt. 3:7).

How We Are Being Hindered
Congregationally

1. The character traits and personal skills so essential in congregational work are qualities that are primarily learned in the home. When our homes are not the kind that instill these qualities, the result is a serious hindrance in our collective work.
   
   
   1. Think how vital to our congregational work the kinds of qualities are that Dorothy Rich calls "megaskills" in her book MegaSkills: confidence, motivation, effort, responsibility, initiative, perseverance, caring, teamwork, common sense, problem solving. See Dorothy Rich, MegaSkills, rev. ed. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1992).
      
      
   2. Just as an example, take the quality of commitment.

      Are we raising a generation of people incapable of commitment in any of their relationships and work because they never experienced what commitment means in the homes in which they were raised?

      1. What are the implications for the congregation (and for society at large) when, as a people, we have not learned commitment by seeing it modeled in our homes?
      2. In this connection, does not the divorce rate have some alarming implications that reach far beyond the home itself?
         
         
   3. The home is usually the place where these skills are acquired, if they are acquired at all.
      
      
   4. What if they are not acquired in our homes? Can we calculate the extent to which that hampers our congregational work?
      
      
   5. Is it not likely that the devil has said to himself: "I will attack their families so that they do not develop these essential qualities, and then there will be no way their congregational relationship can function effectively."
      
      
   6. As the family goes, so goes the congregation.
      
      
2. Our evangelistic efforts are being hampered.
   
   
   1. In all our various relationships, we are obligated to "adorn the doctrine of God" (Tit. 2:10) by our conduct.
      
      
   2. It needs to be obvious to all who know us that our faith has made a positive difference in the quality of our lives.
      
      
   3. Unfortunately, our credibility is being eroded by our failure to make our homes living, working examples of the difference that Christianity makes in human relationships.

      In many localities the landscape is strewn with the wreckage of families of people who used to be "members of the church." The impression left in the minds of the public is not easy to overcome.

   4. If we can do no better than the world in building good homes, can we expect our evangelistic message to be taken seriously?
      
      
   5. For this and other reasons, the discipline of unrepentant members guilty of marital unfaithfulness, etc. needs to be swift and decisive. The world is watching to see how seriously we take such sins.

The Single Thing That Would
Help Our Families Most

1. If we had husbands and fathers who would lead their families, we would be in far less danger than we are.
   
   
   1. "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God" (1 Cor. 11:3).
      
      
   2. "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church" (Eph. 5:23).
      
      
   3. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church" (Eph. 5:25-28). Cf. 1 Pt. 3:7.
      
      
   4. "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).
      
      
2. Not all problems can be traced to a failure of leadership, but many can be.
   
   
   1. There is little question that many of our family difficulties have resulted from an abdication of their family leadership duties by American men.
      
      
   2. The buck ought to stop here!

      With regard to the family, there is no greater problem among the Lord's people than the widespread failure of men to assume the God-given role as spiritual leaders of their families.

3. The husband and father in a home is the "point man" for his family in a hostile jungle. See Steve Farrar, Point Man: How a Man Can Lead a Family (Portland, Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1990).
   
   
4. To focus on one important area as an example, think about the father's role in creating a positive image of God as Father in the minds of his children.
   
   
   1. Right thinking and acting come from true concepts of the character of God Himself. Many of our spiritual problems, if not most of them, come from erroneous concepts of God Himself.
      
      
      1. The purpose for which God has revealed truthful information about Himself is that we might know Him: His character, His mind, His person.
      2. Jesus Christ reveals God to us.
         1. "No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him" (Jn. 1:18).
         2. God, who at various times and in different ways spoke in time past to the fathers by the prophets, has in these last days spoken to us by His son, whom He has appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the worlds; who being the brightness of His glory and the express image of His person,and upholding all things by the word of His power, when He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high" (Hb. 1:1-3).
      3. Our obedience to God's will is to spring from a genuine love for Him as a personal being. The reason we study about God is to know Him.
      4. To have eternal life is to know God. "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent" (Jn. 17:3).
         
         
   2. God reveals Himself to us in the Bible as our Heavenly Father.
      
      
   3. But how much we understand about the fatherhood of God is greatly influenced by our personal concept of what a "father" is and does, a concept that most of us gained in the homes in which we were raised.
      
      
   4. While possible, it is very difficult to overcome negative fatherhood images that are rooted in childhood experiences with an earthly father.
      
      
   5. What kind of concept of "father" will prevail in a society like ours where fathers are so rarely what fathers ought to be -- and are often absent from the family altogether?
      
      
   6. What are the consequences for our individual spirituality and our collective work in the Lord when the true concept of fatherhood is lost?

      It would be hard to imagine a greater loss for the Lord's people than the loss of a living example of real fatherhood in our homes.

5. The man "who troubles his own house will inherit the wind" (Prov. 11:29).
   
   
   1. Professional success is not always accompanied by success at home.
      
      
   2. Nor can a successful career compensate for a man's failure with his family.
      
      
6. A simple, yet powerful, starting point would be for many of us to start spending more time with our families.
   
   
   1. The "quality time" argument is often nothing more than a copout.
      
      
   2. L-O-V-E is spelled T-I-M-E.
      
      
7. Men are instructed to dwell with their wives "with understanding. . .as being heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Pt. 3:7).
   
   
8. The godly man "walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him" (Prov. 20:7).
   
   
9. There is simply no command that, when we obey it, gives us and our families any more spiritual help than the command "Husbands, love your wives" (Eph. 5:25).
   
   
10. There is no worse hindrance to the cause of Christ than when men do not obey this command!

Conclusion

1. As regards the home and family, our society has sown to the wind -- and we are now just beginning to reap the whirlwind.
   
   
2. What about our own homes?
   
   
3. If we have made serious mistakes -- or if other members of our family are not what they ought to be -- the last thing the Lord would want us to do is despair.
   
   
   1. This study is not meant to make us any more ashamed of the dysfunctional aspects of our families than we already are.
      
      
   2. If we simply give up in the face of failure, we will please no one but the devil.
      
      
   3. We can learn from our mistakes, and we can use our experience to help others avoid these problems.
      
      
4. The devil's all-out war on the family is one of his main strategies for hindering us spiritually.

   Nothing we can do will change the past. What we can do is resolve to take positive steps that will make a difference in the future.

5. We need to rise up in righteous indignation and resolve that we are simply not going to tolerate the devil's attack on our families any longer!
   
   
6. Godly men need to accept the role of leadership, as husbands and fathers, in building healthy families. "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Pt. 3:7).

Gary Henry
WordPoints